Should I Keep Going To Therapy?
Question: "I'm starting to take a break from therapy because I'm frustrated with my therapist, I feel so much better not going to therapy. Does this mean I'm done with therapy or that I had a bad therapist?"
This is a question that we hear often at Sunshine City Counseling.
Here are some quick things that come to mind:
It could be that the therapist was not a great fit for this individual and not going to therapy would be a good decision.
Clearly this individual was frustrated with their therapist. So, was it the type of therapy that they were receiving? Was it the person of the therapist? Maybe it was the style of counseling that was being conducted that seemed off-putting. Was the counselor not professional enough for the individual?
IF any of these are true, then why did the individual not feel comfortable talking with their therapist about it? Again, it could be that the therapist was not the right fit. It could be that the process of therapy produced some scary feelings or things that felt unsettling and this person didn't know how to confront or bring it to their therapist. This type of conflict avoidance could be a theme for this person, which is something to consider and be curious about. Whenever there is some kind of conflict or tension in a relationship, conflict avoiders often find it easier to avoid or to just leave so they can escape the scary/bad/sad/anxious feelings that they have.
How Do You Know When To Stop Going To Therapy?
"...I feel so much better not going to therapy."
If this person's experience of therapy is that they felt unsafe to talk to their therapist then, yes, that would mean that it would feel better not to go to therapy because of the anxiety that it brought up due to this person struggling to deal with confrontation (aka conflict avoidant). It makes sense that if you stop going to the source of what is causing you anxiety or frustration then you will naturally feel better. It isn't so much about "should I stop going to therapy" but really about "what is therapy stirring inside of me and how do I talk about it?"
We find that a lot of the times when a client is frustrated with their therapist, it's oftentimes the things that are coming up within the client that would be really beneficial to talk about and to address in therapy. If you don't feel comfortable addressing certain things with your therapist, then I'd be curious about that. Is it that you feel unsafe (emotionally) with your counselor OR are you struggling to verbalize what is coming up inside of you?
How Do You Talk About Hard Things?
When you think about bringing something up to your therapist (or a close friend), are your concerns more about what they are going to think of you? (aka judgment). Maybe you're afraid that if you bring something up that the therapist will leave or perhaps mention that they may not be the right fit for you (aka what can feel like rejection). What happens in the therapy room is so much of a microcosm of what happens in your personal life. If you cannot bring up hard stuff in therapy with your therapist-- hey, you know, you said something in our last session and it really bothered me and I want to talk about it--if you have a hard time doing those types of things it is likely that you will find the same kind of pattern with the same type of behavior in relationships that exist outside of the therapy relationship and outside of the therapy room. It is true that what happens in the therapy room is like a training ground for what happens outside in your personal world. Your mental health is going to grow most of the time outside of the therapy room.
What Happens In Therapy?
Your growth is going to happen in the relationships that you create, that you form and forge outside of the therapy relationship. Inside your time with your therapist, they are going to clarify things, challenge you in your thought process and in your patterns and in behavior. They are going to hold space that both challenges you and reflects back to you who you are before the world told you how you should be.
So, again, this question of "I'm starting to take a break from therapy" might be you giving yourself permission to say "no, this isn't for me right now" or "no, I'm not ready to continue to dig deep into my story." It also could be you avoiding conflict.
If you are the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs then at any point in the therapy process, you will likely find a reason as to avoid and stop going, which will naturally feel better. At least, it will feel better initially not so much for your mental health in the long term.
Here's the thing: be curious about your behavior.
That is so much of the work of therapy, being curious about your own behavior. Can you notice or be curious about what's bubbling up for you when this other person says X, Y or Z or they present something to you? Be mindful, be curious.
How Do You Find The Right Therapist For You And Your Mental Health?
Bear in mind that it can take a while to find a good counselor. The very first counselor that you meet with, if you don't feel that "click" in the first session, it doesn't mean it's wrong or that they are a bad fit, necessarily. By the second or third session, though, if you still don't feel super safe or have a good rapport, then you probably are not with the kind of therapist that you really need to be with. A therapist who can see you and you feel comfortable with and that you would allow in to know you deeply and authentically. This is why online therapists or in-person counselors typically do phone consults to ensure that you're a good fit because ultimately this journey is not about the therapist. This mental health journey is about you and what you want out of it. Who do you want to come alongside of you to bear witness to who you are and who you can become?
At Sunshine City Counseling, we are big proponents of offering every new client a free 30min session to ensure that they are a good fit for us and that we are a good fit for them. Again, this journey is not about the therapist but is about you. We don't want to waste anyone's time and we find that these sessions are helpful in figuring out whether a specific counselor is a good fit or not.
Are You Still Curious About...
How do you know when to stop going to therapy?
Do you have to have a mental illness to go to therapy? (short answer: NO)
Does therapy make you feel worse before better? (check out this video)
What do you do if you can't get therapy (short answer: listen to our podcasts, read our blog and be curious about your behavior.
Our hope is to provide you with exceptional support in whatever way feels right for you.
We're better together.
Cheering You On,
