Codependency Facts — What You Need To Know
Codependency Fact Sheet
In some ways, codependency has become a more well known term across the board -- not just in addiction circles. Codependency was first brought to light from the addiction community but over the last several decades, it has become more and more a conversation of "normal" relationships and not just those riddled with addiction.
In this brief article, we'll explore a bit of what is codependency, why is it bad, what are some warning signs that someone might be struggle with codependency and what to do if your relationship(s) are in a codependent cycle.
For some further reading and watching on the topic of codependency, self esteem and unhealthy relationships (doesn't that sound like fun?), check out this video series I did on the 5 pillars of codependency (note: it was a veerrryyy long time ago) based on the work of Pia Mellody's Facing Codependency.
What is codependency and why is it bad?
Codependency is the (unhealthy) over enmeshment of two people loosing themselves in one another. It is the entanglement of loosing who you are in another person that deprives you of who you truly are and what you really need. Their needs become more important than yours. Their desires become the priority. Suddenly, you are "happy" to do whatever they want to do and you find yourself needing to be connected to that person all the time. They give you a sense of purpose, an identity.
Simply put, codependency is toxic and ultimately finds itself rooted in attachment and intimacy.
Why is codependency bad? Any time another person dictates who you are, what you want or what you need, that is never a positive sign of any relationship. A healthy relationship is one that freely gives and takes and breathes life into who you are and celebrates everything about you. A codependent, toxic relationship keeps you small and ultimately not aware of who you are and what you bring into the world whether it be a partner, a family member, or a friend.
What Are The Signs Of A Codependent Person?
While this is not an exhaustive list, by any means, here are some warning signs that may indicate someone is struggling with codependency:
Problems with intimacy and boundaries
Feel hurt when their efforts are not acknowledged
Feel guilty when speaking up for themselves, their need or wants
Feel responsible for the actions of others
Difficulty communicating
Hard time identifying feelings
Tend to confuse love and pity, ie. fall in love with people they can pity and rescue
Rigid and have trouble adapting to change
Problems making decisions
Take on more than their share most of the time (guilt, responsibility, helping)
Need to control other people (often in the name of helping them)
Will do anything to keep a relationship going to avoid abandonment
Problems trusting themselves and/or others
Lying/dishonesty – often to keep the peace or avoid conflict
An extreme need for approval and recognition
Problems with anger
Fear of being abandoned or alone
(Adapted from Codependency, Mental Health America)
You might be thinking, "damn, who isn't codependent?" You wouldn't necessarily be wrong. Codependency isn't a problem for "them" it is a problem for "us." It is a human problem, a connection issue. Again, at the heart of codependency is an insecure attachment and intimacy issues. Lets look a bit deeper into what a codependent relationship may look like.
“Healthy self-esteem is the internal experience of one’s own preciousness and value as a person. It comes form inside a person and moves outward into relationships. Healthy people know that they are valuable and precious even when they make a mistake, are confronted by an angry person, are cheated or lied to, or are rejected by a lover, friend, parent, child or boss.”
What Does A Codependent Relationship Look Like?
I thought being a friend meant always being there when they needed you.
I thought being a “good wife” meant never saying “no” when my husband wanted to have sex.
I struggle to say “no,” even when it is obvious that I don’t want to do it…I still end up, somehow, saying “yes.”
If I’m honest, I routinely blame others for my own emotions, especially….when I’m angry. I don’t like to take ownership of that.
Codependency really got traction in the addiction world and has, in many ways, been seen only as something that people from addiction backgrounds or "dysfunctional" families struggle with. Here's the thing, no one is immune to struggling with codependency. If any of the previous traits resonated, it is likely that you have some codependent tendencies. It isn't something to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of so you can work against your natural tendencies to connect in dysfunctional and unhealthy ways to achieve healthy and satisfying relationships.
As an over generalization, people who struggle with codependency often learn to be caretakers in their families of origin. They often derive their self worth from rescuing people or "fixing" people. Somewhere in the mix of growing up, they likely perceived that they could receive the most amount of love by being "other" focused and not tending to their needs, their wants or even knowing what they were experiencing at the time. A fear of abandonment is one of the central issues for people with codependency otherwise known as an anxious attachment style (avoidant or disorganized attachment styles are certainly possible, too). Check out a free quiz on your unique attachment style from one of my favorite teachers on the subject, Diane Poole Heller.
For the anxious attachment style individual, they often appear fiercely independent and in control, which usually masks underlying feelings of insecurity, dependency and being ‘out of control.' They struggle to know who they are and what they need. They love big and at times it has caused them to believe that they were too much or not good enough.
Codependency is a human connection struggle that exists on a spectrum. Typically, you won't find yourself in an extreme on either side but somewhere along it. Counseling for codependency can be extremely valuable in helping you better understand your past hurts, your unique attachment style and how you can create healthy relationships moving forward. Schedule a free session with one of our awesome counselors and get the kind of support that you need.
How can you achieve healthy relationships if you struggle with codependency? Perhaps that will be our next blog post...
Cheering You On,
