Increasing Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationships

Emotional intimacy is a general sense of closeness to another person. This doesn't just exist between lovers, but it can also exist between friends and family. Some might even argue it can be experienced with a pet. 

Those who share emotional intimacy also have a common way of viewing the world and they experience things in a similar way. They can feel as if they're soul mates. Most of us can agree that emotional intimacy is important, but what can you do if it's difficult for you to get close to others?

Connect on a deeper level with the important people in your life using these tips:

1. Consider the times you've been emotionally intimate with others. Sometimes we're too hard on ourselves. While you might be less emotionally open than you'd like, odds are you have been successful sometime in the past.

* Focus on those times when you've felt close and connected to someone. Remembering your past can help you gain confidence moving forward in the present and future.

*What was different during those times when you have been emotionally open with someone else? Was there something they were doing to make it easier for you to be emotionally intimate with them? Was there something you were doing that made it easier for you to be more emotionally open or vulnerable? Is there any way to bring more of that into your relationship now?

2. Figure out the reason for your reticence. Why are you keeping others at arm's length? Maybe you've been let down before or perhaps your upbringing is the cause. If you've been emotionally intimate with others in the past, but are struggling with a particular person now, maybe they're the source of the challenge. Find the root of the issue and then move forward.

*This is not to say that we should be blaming this particular person for making it harder to be emotionally intimate with them. Rather, this focus on exploring if there are any triggering behaviors or interactions allows us to take a step back and see what is really going on.

*If there is anything that they are doing that makes it harder for us to be emotionally intimate with them, we can have a discussion about why it is so challenging for us so that we can work on developing new boundaries and patterns of interaction together.

3. Focus on emotional intimacy. Men tend to be guilty of avoiding emotional intimacy more than women. Relationship building usually occurs outside of physical intimacy and one doesn't equal the other. 

* Enjoy intimacy on both levels, but realize the physical isn't a substitute for the emotional. 

*Emotional intimacy can be challenging topic because it isn’t something we’re always taught how to do. It’s more than just words or sex. Emotional intimacy is a way of supporting and being there for each other.

*Sometimes it feels like we’re just disconnected from the other person, and this is often more to do from that lack of emotional intimacy than it is from something that either partner is or isn’t doing. Can we turn towards our partner in a positive way? 

*Instead of thinking about what is wrong or what is missing, try to focus on the deeper meaning. Can we approach our partner without criticism, blame, or contempt and let them know, “This is what I’m feeling, and what I need from you to feel closer.”

4. Reveal yourself, even if you start small. While some of us may be more than willing to reveal personal information, others are reluctant to share anything of substance.

* When you share private things, you build trust and closeness, whereas a lack of sharing is a roadblock to emotional intimacy.

*Emotional intimacy starts with opening up and building that friendship with the other person. Can we allow them to see into our inner world? Are we curious about what their inner world is like or are we assuming that we already know? 

* If you're uncomfortable, start small and you can build from there. Get into the habit of sharing your thoughts and opinions. When someone has earned your trust, share a little more.

*Listen with curiosity. Our tendency is often to want to clarify our side or become defensive. Can we put that to the side and really try to listen to why they are thinking/feeling/behaving this way? What questions can we ask to understand where they are coming from and what their needs are?

5. Tread lightly. Trying to force intimacy can result in the opposite. When you share too much or ask questions that are too personal, you can put the other person on the defensive. Intimacy builds in subtle ways, as long as you're open and willing to let someone in. 

*Ask the other person if they are okay with delving into these topics. Check in with them to see what would help them to feel more emotionally connected is another way to make sure you are both on the same page. Showing that you care about where they are at too helps to build intimacy without pushing either person to feeling discomfort.

*Talk with your partner about setting time aside so this conversation does not feel like it’s coming out of nowhere. Prioritize making it a comfortable experience for each person, where it is safe to share and you both know that you will be heard. Pick a time and a place where there will be low tension, so both people can be fully present and thoughtful, instead of emotionally reactive.

6. Try getting a little more physical. Acting differently can change the way you feel. Maybe try hugging the other person at a time you normally wouldn't. Hold hands or squeeze their arm as you walk by. It might feel strange at first, but it will help build that intimacy you're seeking.

*Maybe even offer to give the other person a massage just to help them destress. A back rub, shoulder rub, or foot rub without any expectations of sexual intimacy can help the other partner know you really care about them.

It can be challenging to expose yourself, but emotional intimacy is important if you want to have a happy and fulfilling life. At first, try taking baby steps. If the other person is responding positively, go a little further. Even if you feel closed off from the ones you love, you can create the intimacy you desire.

Make sure you are also offering appreciation for the things the other person is doing to increase emotional intimacy and make it easier for you to approach them. We often think that our partner knows that we love and appreciate them, but it is important to make sure they are hearing it as well. After all, clear is kind. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free session if I can be helpful in any way in the future.

Supporting You,