5 Ways To Deal With Conflict

Do you ever feel like your partner misunderstands you? Do you feel unheard in your relationship?

You might think about how incredible it felt at the beginning of your relationship. Then why, when you argue, does it now feel like you’re miles apart?

The truth is conflict in our relationships is unavoidable. Even the happiest couples have disagreements. What distinguishes successful relationships from the rest is how partners in the relationship approach disagreements.

Try to avoid these unhealthy things during a disagreement:

● Contempt or resentments.  They are dangerous because they shows up as ugly comments that make one partner seem superior to the other, or as if there is some score to settle. 

● Defensiveness. Defensiveness shows up when the defensive partner makes excuses or deflects blame instead of taking responsibility.

● Stonewalling. Stonewalling shows up when a partner completely shuts down and builds a wall instead of confronting the issue.

● Selfishness. Sometimes we get so focused on our own needs and feelings that we overlook the importance of acknowledging our partner’s needs, feelings and desires.

The way you resolve each disagreement or discussion, can ultimately strengthen your relationship. It is important for both partners to feel heard and respected, and these discussions are just one more way that we allow ourselves to understand each other on a new level.

Here are healthy ways to deal with a disagreement or discussion:

1. Listen with empathy. During a disagreement, listen with the goal of understanding your partner’s point of view. Be open as you listen to why your partner feels the way they do.

● Avoid getting defensive.

●Keep the conversation calm and respectful. If this is too difficult for the moment, try saying "I think I need some time away to process what was said. I can feel myself getting upset and I don't want to say anything hurtful."

● Try to understand the root of your partner’s point of view, and if you don't understand, then ask questions to help clarify things.

2. Express appreciation. Disagreements can lead to a tense environment where both you and your partner’s guards are up and alert. After your partner shares his or her experience with you, express appreciation.

● “I appreciate that you shared that with me.”

● “I understand that might have been difficult for you to share. Thank you for trusting me with that.”

3. Be curious. When you approach a disagreement with curiosity, you are opening yourself to learn something new about both you and your partner. Ask questions.

● Be curious about your partner’s perspective and what triggers may have come up, leading up to, or during the argument.

4. Take a break.  When you start to feel overwhelmed, ask for at least 20 minutes so you both can distract yourselves from the conversation and calm down. A study by The Gottman Institute found that couples who took a 30-minute break during an argument returned to the discussion with lower heart rates.

● Read a book or magazine.

● Listen to music.

● Go for a walk or a jog.

● Play with your pet.

● Solve a Sudoku or crossword puzzle.

5. Talk about how you feel and what you need. Our first reaction during an argument might be to tell our partner how they harmed us. It’s more productive to talk about how you feel and what you need.

● Try to avoid putting blame on the other person. Avoid statements like "How could you, when you did that, why would you...etc." Instead say " I feel…. when you…. and it would help if you did or said …..instead."

● Turn towards your partner when they share what they need. How can you fulfill that need?

If you find yourself in a conflict loop, step away from the idea of “winning” the argument. Instead, take the steps above to listen to your partner, be curious, or even take a break. Both of you should come out the "winners" because you were able to learn and grow together. 

Before you end the conflict resolution conversation, ask your partner how you can support them. Asking how you can support each other is a great way to revisit your original, loving intentions that you had for each other.

Disagreements and discussions are a natural part of every relationship. Learning healthy ways to deal with these will help you learn more about your partner and build the trust in the relationship.

Turn your conflicts into opportunities to strengthen your relationship! You’ll both enjoy the results! If you are finding that it would be helpful to process some of your conflicts and hurts with a St. Petersburg Counselor, schedule a free first session with me and lets help you get back on the right foot in your relationship(s)!

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