Are Your Kids Stressed Out From Their Busy Schedule?

It shouldn’t come as a shock to hear that kids are absolutely, without a doubt, incredibly stressed out from their schedules. You know the type - the 8 year old who goes to private school with a 30minute commute, is into sports and tutoring plus play dates on the weekend.  What about the high-school IB student who volunteers, works a job a few days a week, goes to school, plays sports and is into theater.

Kids, perhaps more than at any other time in history, are scheduled out and overwhelmed. Don’t even get me started on social media and the amount of time that it is consumed by the average teen (OKAY, OKAY, it is 5-7hours A DAY🤯). As parents, we are the gatekeepers of our kids schedules. It isn’t that any one of their activities is necessarily “bad” but we have to consider— is it worth the craziness that it is going to cause them? Remember, your kid(s) are kids…they don’t yet understand the demands that are placed on them in the different activities they may choose nor do they quite understand how to handle the overwhelm – that’s your job to teach and guide them. Below you’ll get to peak in on a conversation between a parent and myself where we talk about practical ways to help your kids who are feeling stressed, overwhelmed and run down from their busy schedules.

Question: I have two children, Emily, 12, and John, 10. I’m not sure if it’s a sign of the times or if it’s just their personalities, but they appear to be under stress. I have them scheduled for plenty of activities to help them burn off steam. However, it seems that whatever I do either adds more stress on them or doesn’t do anything at all to decrease their distress. What else can I do to help? After all, they’re just kids. I don’t remember having stress when I was growing up. Maybe I’ve forgotten it.

Answer: Right now, kids' lives are chock full of every type of activity that you can imagine. Dance classes, Tai Kwon Do, extra-curricular sports¸ academic clubs, family activities, and friends all keep kids busier than ever. When your child’s schedule is so busy that there’s not enough “down” time, it causes stress. Think about it, they need time to “unwind” just as much as we, adults, do – it doesn’t matter if they are 4 years old or 17 years old – everyone needs “down time.”

It really is up to the parents to carefully consider the interests and personality characteristics of each of their kids and to ponder the type of schedule that each child can handle. You also want to take into consideration what activities the child wants to be involved in. 

As a parent, you’ve already figured this one out: your kids don’t yet have the skills to make the wisest decisions about what might be best for them. Therefore, it’s recommended that kids not be left with “free rein” to pick and choose everything they want to do. Boundaries and structure are incredibly loving and honoring to them as people just as much as they are for us, the adult. 

Although it’s wonderful to provide each of your kids with as rich a childhood as possible, it’s also important to teach your kid about making choices and moderating their schedule. When you do, you’re really educating about restraint and how to best manage stress.

Question: So, you’re saying that I should listen to what my child says he wants to do but then apply some common sense to the final decision. So, I need to ask myself, “Can my kid really handle this much activity?” Is that correct?

Answer: Yes, you’re right on target. It really is pretty cool if you’ve got kids that have a variety of interests and want to put their efforts into so many different activities. However, that’s where you come in — to help the child sift through and sort out the best activity for that time of their lives.

Once you decide on an activity together, then you can work together on planning what their next phase of activities will be. At some point during the year, encourage your kids to just have fun for a while and avoid being bogged down with much of a schedule. Everyone needs a break - even active children. You can also begin to talk with your kiddos about what it feels like for them to not be rushing around to the next activity, is there anything that makes them uncomfortable about not being “programmed” so much? Again, we want to help guide and teach them about how to think about what they are doing, how it is affecting them and how they express and articulate their emotions. 

Question: Gosh, I can’t imagine either of my kids going for two months without a full schedule. I mean, what would they do with all their time?

Answer: In almost every situation, moderation is the key. Regardless of the number of activities your child takes part in, ensure they still have days where they have plenty of free time to just hang out with family and friends.  

Taking control of a schedule is very much about learning and applying assertiveness skills. And pretty much at any age, kids have a right to speak up about what they do and don’t prefer to do. Now, that doesn’t mean they can refuse to clean their rooms or go to school or that they’ll always get their way regardless of what they want. That is definitely NOT what I’m advocating for. 

However, learning to make good decisions is best done as you’re maturing. Otherwise, one’s adult life can be negatively affected by the inability to set limits, make wise decisions and to just say, “no.”

Question: You’re saying all kids need to have plenty of down time. Also, kids shouldn’t always be the final decision-maker when planning their extracurricular activities because they might go overboard. Plus, when parents and kids work together to plan kids’ schedules, kids learn some things, like being assertive, how to problem-solve and how to set limits. Is that right?

Answer: Yes, that’s correct. As a parent, one of your many jobs is to teach your child about moderation and approaching each task to do your best. Plus, it will help your kids throughout their lives if you begin teaching them now about life priorities. Basically, kids should know that it’s more fulfilling to spend the bulk of their time on the most important priorities. Just because something is “fun” or really legit, doesn’t mean it is the best time for that in this specific season of life. 

It’'s a great learning exercise to talk about priorities with your child and how those priorities determine how time is allotted. And along with that topic, it’s relevant to talk about the stress reduction benefits of spare time. Explain that everyone needs the opportunity to recharge their batteries and having spare time allows for that. Having un-scheduled time also gives way to creativity and freeing up space, in general. 

As kids mature, they will then apply what they know and believe about their own priorities and what’s needed in terms of down time. Even so, parents need to be in the game, close by, to let kids know when they’re planning well and when they’re over-booking their schedules. Until your kids fully mature, you provide the checks and balances that they need so they can thrive. Remember, you’re the gatekeeper. 

Question: Getting back to the stress issue, what can I do for now? I’m getting the picture that I’ve allowed my kids to overload their schedules. So, we’re all stuck with it for the next 6 weeks.

Answer: A positive approach to life is to avoid assuming that you’re stuck with anything. The fact is that if you believe it’s necessary, you can have your child pulled from any extracurricular activity. Discussing your children’s stress with them might be a good route to take right now. 

Give your child an example of one of their stress responses you recently observed. Then, see what the child’s comments are about it. 

Most likely, you can cut out at least one activity from your child’s schedule to reduce their stress level and assist him in regaining control over his time and schedule.

It’s perfectly okay (and even super awesome) to tell your kids something like, “Hey, I made a mistake by letting you take ballet, Tai Kwon Do, and French Club all at the same time. It’s unrealistic to expect anyone to do well in all three activities when you’ve got so little time to practice those skills. Let’s drop one of those activities for now so you can give your best efforts to the other two. Down the road, you can pick back up on the activity you drop now.”

Remember, you always have a choice and the power to make that choice. 

Question: So, as a parent, if I admit I made a mistake and that it’s okay to change my mind, then my kids will learn to do those things also. It’s hard to let go of something when you’re mid-stream in the activity. Plus, I don’t want my kids to be “quitters.” Will letting them quit something now be detrimental to them in the future?

Answer: It’s difficult to predict the future (I don’t have a crystal ball any more than you do), but sometimes, good judgment requires that we re-evaluate our position and make changes that are the best for us. Doing so isn’t quitting; it’s exercising good judgment and the right to change our situation so we’re happier and less stressed. Again, we are modeling how to lead in life, manage emotions, make decisions, etc so what better example than to say that you messed up and you’re for them more than you are for any one particular activity. 

Question: It makes sense. So, when Emily starts whining that she doesn’t want to go to dance class, I’ll sit down and talk to her seriously about her schedule and all the activities she’s responsible for. I’ll encourage her to select on her own which activity she wants to drop. How about that?

Answer: That sounds like a good plan. However, ensure you know the difference between a random “whine” and a consistently-mentioned complaint so you can better help Emily regarding her activity schedule.

One more thing, as a parent, you’re in a position to build in “down time” in your family’s schedule. Have a movie night every other week or so where you all just hang out in the family room to watch a movie and have snacks. Have a morning where everyone sleeps late. Schedule a day on the weekend where everyone stays home and takes it easy.

What I’m saying is that when parents exercise their authority to ensure that kids will have a certain amount of free, unscheduled time every week, it teaches kids to do the same as they mature. 

Question:  The more we discuss these issues of stress and over-scheduling, the more I feel that maybe I over-schedule myself. Is it possible that how I’m choosing to live and work overflows into my children’s lives?

Answer: It’s entirely possible that your tendency to overload yourself with work and activities sets that example for the kids in the house. In fact, it more than likely is as our kids – in so many ways – are extensions of ourselves and how we manage ourselves, talk to ourselves, etc will absolutely spill over into and on our kids. 

Ask yourself, “Is my own schedule over-booked? Am I overdoing it in some way?” If so, you could be setting an unrealistic pace for your children to try to live up to. 

The best lessons are gained from watching how parents live. So keep an open mind and recognize that you may be setting a stress-inducing pace in the house.

If that’s the case, list out your own priorities and determine what you’ve got right now in your schedule that isn’t on your priority list. Then, systematically reduce your own schedule so show your kids how it’s done. Regardless of your situation, you can be successful in helping your kids manage their stress.

Was this helpful? If you’d like to submit a question and get some clarity around a specific topic, don’t hesitate to reach out and send us an email. If you’re ready to jump in and make some changes for yourself as a parent, person, human then you can schedule your first free session. Maybe you know (or at least suspect) that your child might be feeling overwhelmed and anxious, schedule your child or teen for a first free session, too, with one of our incredible child and teen counselors.

Cheering You On,