7 Tips to Help Support Your Partner With Anxiety
Watching your partner suffer with anxiety can be hard. No one likes to see the one they love hurting and it’s often difficult to know how to approach this. Luckily, there are things that you can do to help to support them, making life a little less stressful for the both of you.
First, it may be helpful to understand anxiety as a whole- What is it?
Well, anxiety is a lot of things but the best way to describe it is a fear of the future. We’ve all heard someone say “the future is yet to be determined” and to some people, that brings on feelings of ease and peace that they still have time to become the version of themselves that they desire. To people who struggle with anxiety, that is the worst type of phrase because it means that there is nothing set in stone and things could inevitably go wrong- including your relationship. This excessive worry can be accompanied by physical symptoms too. Rapid heart rate, insomnia, and stomach aches seem to be pretty common symptoms.
So, that begs the question: Why can’t someone just think about it differently?
That answer is just as tricky because the truth is, they may be able to- with the help of a professional counselor who can assist them in identifying where these negative anxious thought patterns come from and reframing them to be more rational. This process is not easy and takes a lot of time and practice.
See, when someone who suffers with anxiety is young and developing, or older and newly experiencing these anxious symptoms, they often do not know how to cope with them. This typically leaves room for unhealthy coping skills to be developed. Unhealthy coping skills often do the opposite of what this person may need. For example, if your partner asks you how your day was and you respond without reciprocating that question, they may think to themselves “oh, they must not want to know” (remember, they are identifying the worst possible outcome, it is typically quite far from the truth). Because they felt as though you did not want to hear about their day, and that makes them feel hurt, they may just entirely stop asking questions, maybe even become reserved in other ways, for fear that you do not care as much about them as you once did. This will then continue to reinforce the negative narrative that they have created about themselves in their mind. While working with a therapist can help them identify the patterns that cause them distress and help them readjust, that still leaves a lot of time outside of the therapy room that you may need to provide a little bit of extra support!
Consider these ideas when you notice your partner is feeling anxious:
1. Avoid trying to fix them. Acknowledge that you are their partner and not their therapist, so while you can be there to help support them through any tough times, it’s important to avoid pressuring them into behaving how you believe they should behave. Putting that additional pressure on them - even if you think that following your advice would help them - may just reinforce the negative thoughts they are currently thinking about themselves, which will only exacerbate any anxiety they are feeling.
2. Avoid telling them why they shouldn’t be afraid of something. Even if what your partner fears seems irrational to you, telling them what you think will often be unhelpful. Instead, try asking them what is making this particular thing upsetting to them. Sometimes, just describing an issue can help reduce any of those negative emotions being suffered.
3. Put more effort into open communication. For example, if you are going to be coming home late, let them know so they won’t imagine you hurt or in danger. This can minimize the anxiety before it even occurs due to the set expectations you have created for them. Avoiding the truth, even if it is harmless, leaves the door open for your partner to predict their own worst possible scenario.
4. Understand that their idea of happiness may be different from your own concept of happiness. So, celebrate the small wins! Someone with anxiety may find happiness in a day passing without suffering from a panic attack. These small victories, like enjoying a date or spending time with friends, can mean a lot.
5. While your partner should not rely on you for validation and reassurance, it is something that can be easily given. Anxiety can be thought of as a fear of the future and typically will result in some negative self-talk in anticipation for that proposed future. This can make a person feel unlovable due to their anxiety. Reassuring them that you are both on this journey together can be the small boost they need to fight off those cognitive distortions.
6. Remember that you are allowed to live your life. Just because your partner has anxiety does not mean that you can’t have a life of your own. You are still allowed out to meet your friends, go to a party, have hobbies, or do something else just for you. It may just be helpful to reassure your partner that you are going to be okay, you are going to be thinking of them, and you will soon be back home safe and sound.
7. Whether your partner has anxiety or not, practicing self-care is important! Self-care helps to keep you physically and mentally fit and can prevent feelings of resentment against your partner.
8. Ask their opinion- and this goes hand-and-hand with that open communication that we were talking about! Your partner may already know some things that you can do to help them relieve anxious feelings. Listen to them! No one knows them better than they do, and what they have to say is important.
Putting these ideas into practice can help relieve anxious feelings and strengthen your relationship with your partner.
Remember, a counselor, therapist, or support group can also help immensely with additional strategies and techniques to alleviate anxiety and strengthen your bond as you go through this journey together. You are not your partner’s therapist so it is not your responsibility to take on all of their negative emotions, being supportive is probably all they need from you. If you or your partner are interested in this additional support schedule your first free session at SCC.
