How To Set New Boundaries and Enjoy Healthier Relationships

All relationships need boundaries to remain healthy. There are things you’d discuss with your best friend that you'd never discuss with your child or with your mother. Boundaries help to determine how much you give and receive from a relationship. If any of your relationships are leaving you irritable and overwhelmed, it may be time to reexamine your boundaries.

The boundaries you set in your relationships are a reflection of your ego and self-esteem. If you have a low sense of self-worth, your boundaries are going to be unhealthy. You're likely to be too focused on trying to please others and to receive love and approval. As a result, you're likely to overextend yourself and demand too little from others. Conversely, if your ego is over-inflated, your boundaries are aggressively set to maximize your own utility. It's your way or the highway. For best outcomes, seek middle ground when setting boundaries. Living in extremes in either direction isn’t great, let’s work to find a good balance.

Try these strategies to help you set boundaries that are empowering for both parties:

1. Decide on your core values. What is your comfort level? Are you comfortable discussing your personal finances with others? Do you like friends or family just showing up at your front door or would you like a little warning? Are you willing to let others borrow your car, money, or a cup of sugar? How much honesty do you want to give and receive? Some of these values will vary depending on the other person and the specific situation. You might let your best friend borrow your car, but no one else. Certain people might be able to spend the night on your couch while others cannot.

2. Determine what you need from the relationship. Communicate your needs to the other person in a healthy, non-blaming manner. This will require some measure of assertiveness. It's not fair to expect anyone to read your mind and predict all of your wants and needs. A good rule of thumb is to communicate your feelings and needs with “I” statements, such as, “I feel overwhelmed with people showing up at my house unannounced and would appreciate you calling or texting me before coming over”.

3. Determine the other person's needs. Think "win-win" and approach the other person with a pleasant conversation about their wishes and needs in the relationship. For example, “I know it’s important for you to spend time with me. I will be better company if I have a heads-up so I have time to prepare for your visit”. 

4. Determine the consequences. How will you handle it if someone violates your boundaries? Remind others of your boundaries and then take action. If someone shows up unannounced, you may decide to not open the door or not let them in your home. It is not being “mean” to enforce boundaries and consequences once you have been clear about your boundaries. You are not responsible for other people’s behavior and choices.

5. Be consistent. It's natural for others to test you when you change the rules. Afterall, you are creating a space that is different from what people are used to. It is likely to feel awkward for them and for you. However, it is important to be consistent, or you won't be taken seriously. Follow through and keep your word. One slip into your old patterns and you may struggle to reclaim your footing.

6. Be prepared to let go. It's likely that some individuals will keep on behaving the same way, regardless of your efforts. If a person is unable or unwilling to appreciate your boundaries and requirements, it might be best to reexamine the relationship. You are not required to maintain relationships with people who do not respect you or your boundaries. It is often said that those who push back on boundaries are frequently the ones who most need them set in the first place. It’s okay to remove yourself if it doesn’t feel healthy for you.

Are your relationship boundaries working for you? Redefining a relationship can be challenging and stressful. Change isn't always popular or comfortable. When people can no longer take advantage of you, you are likely to experience some initial resistance. But when you maintain your efforts consistently, you and those around you will all ultimately benefit. If all of this seems overwhelming and you’re not sure where to start, reach out and schedule your first free session with one of our incredible St. Petersburg, FL counselors. We want to support you and help you thrive in all of your relationships!

p.s. Did you know that we have online courses for your mental health? We love providing educational tools that will help you and your relationship come into a better understanding of who you both are and how to effectively communicate. Check it out! More courses are always being added…

To Your Relationship,