How To Make Friends As An Adult
Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult?
Growing up, it’s easier to meet people. You go to school with classmates or peers in the same life stage as you.
Gone are the days where you can walk up to a kid at the playground, grab their hand and declare -- you’re my friend! That is super creepy when you’re not 5 years old (also, maybe, slightly creepy even then?)
As we enter adulthood, that gets harder. Like, a LOT harder. People move. Our priorities change. Our lives start to revolve around work and our families. Everyone becomes engulfed in their own routines. They are in different phases of life, whether it be raising children, getting married, or focusing on their career.
Depending on how you were raised, too, will also determine how much you move outside of your family sphere aka how much do you value community? For many, our dad or our mom’s didn’t really have friends who they went out with on coffee dates, weekend trips or lunches. Everything, even themselves, was consumed by the family. If we are not mindful of how this impacted us then we are likely, when we become parents or just adults, in general, to repeat similar patterns as to what we saw growing up.
Hard facts: research has shown that friendships can lower risk of heart disease, reduce stress levels, and improve quality of life. One study even found that the difference between most unhappy and most happy people was based on how socially connected they were.
Makes total sense. Brene Brown, shame and vulnerability researcher out of Houston, Texas, states that human beings are hard-wired for connection and authenticity. We were not made to be little islands or even fiercely-independent-I-don’t-need-no-one kind of people.
We were made to belong to one another. This is why it is so incredibly valuable and important for us to seek our friendships and community as adults despite its increasing challenges in our technology ridden world.
So, you’re wondering, “what is the key to making friendships in adulthood?”
Making an effort.
While we could find social circles at school growing up, making friends as an adult is different. If you want to make friends, you need to try creating habits that will help you make those friendships as an adult. Trust me, they won’t just come to you -- you have to go out, get uncomfortable and be intentional.
Try these habits so you can begin to build intentional and thoughtful friendships in adulthood:
1. Be proactive. Be proactive when it comes to meeting and getting to know others. Make that effort to smile and start a conversation! In other words, be intentional in moving out and towards others. If you struggle with knowing what to ask or how to drum up a conversation, google “conversation questions for friends” and you’ll have plenty to choose from.
2. Build self-confidence. Research has found that people tend to underestimate how much they are liked. Building your self-confidence will make it easier for you to start or keep a conversation going. Easier said than done, amiright? Personally, I have found it to be helpful to engage in an activity that allows me to grow as a person and it is through this said activity that I often find community with other like-minded folks. This can be extremely helpful as you are not the only one who is “new” but are learning alongside others and that definitely helps take some anxiety out of making new friends.
3. Ask questions. Be curious about the people you meet. Ask them questions about their hobbies, why they think a certain way, or what gets them excited about life. Again, the key here is to be intentional, open and curious. It is staggering how many people choose to stay small and to themselves all the while complaining that they have no friends but are not willing to do anything to change it. It has to be important to you otherwise you just won’t even care to get off the couch and that kind of energy doesn’t go anywhere fast.
4. Keep showing up. As you make an effort to build friendships, you’ll find some obstacles: you might get rejected, people you meet might be shy, or you might prefer the comfort of staying at home. When this happens, think about why you want to make friends - and motivate yourself to keep showing up. Again, intentionality...are you sensing a theme? If anything, show up and give yourself a time limit so that way you have “an out” and it can help ease any tension or anxiety that may be mounting. I am an extrovert and I often struggle in new groups of people where I don’t know anyone -- it is intimidating! Give yourself a goal of 10, 20 or 30 minutes and if you want to leave -- give yourself permission to do so.
5. Be engaged. Avoid taking on the role of the fly on the wall. Introduce yourself to others, ask them about themselves, and if they want to hang out in the near future. When I moved to Denver, CO to pursue my M.A. in Mental and Clinical Health, I knew 2 people and was keenly aware that I needed friends, badly. During one of my very first classes, I went up to a girl who looked nice and started asking her questions about where she moved from, why counseling, if she found any good coffee spots, etc. I then very directly said -- “So, I’m new and I need friends and I’d love to hangout later this week.” She smiled and said how much she appreciated my directness because she needs friends and wanted to hang out. If you’re needing friends, be honest, be engaged and show up.
Here are some ideas of places you can show up to make friends:
1. Pick a new hobby and sign up for a class. Sign up to a class (like an educational, art, cooking, or fitness class) to meet others who are interested in learning the same skill as you! This is so so helpful as you all are interesting in the same thing (whatever it is you are doing) and likely you are not the only “new” person there.
2. Invest in experiences. Friendships are built through new experiences. Go on a tour in your city or spend a few days on a group camping trip. Invest in experiences where you can connect with others and build memories. I’ve had a few friends who have joined group excursion or trips specifically tailored for individual travelers who love it because it affords them the opportunity to make friends that they otherwise would never have known.
3. Go to meetups. Attending meetups and events in your local area is a great way to meet people who have interests similar to yours. Again, similar to engaging in an activity this can be super helpful. Go on a hike. Grab a drink. Whatever.
4. Create a friendship habit. If you want to make friends, make a habit out of building friendships. For example, aim to go to coffee with a new friend once per week. Be intentional and seek people out! It goes such a long way.
5. Volunteer. Volunteer for a cause that you believe in! You can support a cause you believe in, as well as meet people who believe in the cause’s mission.
6. Create your own meetup. Think about what you enjoy doing - going hiking, having brunch or playing board games. If you can’t find a meetup around that, create one!
7. Start a conversation with a stranger. Waiting in line? At an event? Don’t be afraid to start a conversation with a stranger! Even if you don’t see them again in the future, you can use that conversation as practice to build new friendships. My sister is the QUEEN of doing this. It can be really scary and intimidating to do especially if you are more introverted so don’t worry too much if this feels insane. Pick something that is more in line with your personality and interests and do it!
Although friendships may come effortlessly while you were growing up, they take more effort as an adult (making friends, for me, with girls in particular, was always tough and tricky). Put yourself out there, be engaged, and keep showing up. Ask people questions and invite them to hang out again. If you value community, you’ll find a way to engage in it. Remember, your first year in a new city or a job is always tricky to find “your people.” Be intentional, seek it out and keep showing up. If you are needing some guidance in all of this or feel like you have a history of making the “wrong friends,” schedule a free first session with one of our incredible counselor’s and lets figure it out together.
Cheering You On,
