The Secret to Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

Loss affects us all, even when it is indirect. Finding a way to work through your own grief is hard, but supporting your loved ones while they experience grief may be even harder. No matter how much you want to take away the pain and give them what they need, it can still be extremely difficult. After all, they are not you!

In fact, the situation may be more complicated than you think. Grief is an entirely individual experience which affects each person differently. Some experts even believe that the common theory of the 5 stages of grief is inaccurate due to the unique circumstances of each person’s own experience. 

Though you may never be able to remove someone’s pain, understanding skillful support can ease the burden on family and friends who have lost a loved one. It may be helpful to read through these skills and ideas now because unfortunately, loss is often hard to predict. 

Short Term Strategies To Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

It's natural for the bereaved to feel overwhelmed at first, displaying their own reactions that can range from crying to appearing completely unphased- often in shock. Since they are often unable to respond effectively during their immediate response, being present is truly the best thing you can do. 

Use these strategies to help yourself stay present for your loved one:

1. Reach out. You may be tempted to give them time and space, in case you say something inappropriate or they do not want to be bothered. However, they have the option to not respond and therefore, any supportive interaction you are able to provide for them is still their choice.

2. Keep it simple. Sincerity matters more than being profound. There is nothing wrong with store bought sympathy cards or a quick text to say you are available if they want to chat. 

3. Divide responsibilities and offer assistance. This can range from contacting other loved ones to providing care for children and pets. Bringing over a home cooked meal never hurts either- it’s typical for those who are grieving to avoid their responsibilities, particularly caring for themselves.   

Long Term Strategies

The grieving process is not linear and often continues long after the funeral is over. Though you may not understand their emotions or thoughts about the loss as time passes, do your best to be patient as they work through their feelings. 

Consider using these ideas as time goes on to help support your loved one (or even yourself):

1. Milestones are important. Special occasions like birthdays and holidays often stir up strong memories. An invitation to lunch or a Facebook post can let others know that you're thinking of them. A helpful idea may also be to create a special tradition for the anniversary of their passing. For example, if they loved making homemade pasta, maybe spend that day together learning how to make pasta on that day each year. Though this may not be plausible due to circumstances, we hear that  zoom dates are a big thing now and can totally help cover distance to make sure traditions live on! 

2. Listen and empathize. Talking is an important part of healing. Give your time and attention to the bereaved so they can tell their story. Make sure to provide empathy statements, rather than advice, to help them feel heard. Empathy statements can sound like “it makes sense that you're feeling ____ because ______.” Or “it sounds like you are feeling relief that you were able to be there for you when they needed you most. I’m sure you are proud of that.” Make sure to include a feeling and context, that way your loved one understands that you are engaged in their conversation.

3. Share memories. Did you have your own happy or meaningful experiences with the deceased? You might contribute to the conversation by providing your own perspective.

4. Validate emotions. Grieving often involves feelings that make us uncomfortable, such as anger and sadness. Let the bereaved know that you accept them as they are without making any judgements.

6. Encourage self-care. Someone who is grieving might forget to look after their own wellbeing. If you're concerned, talk with them about their daily routines or ask someone they trust to intervene. Having a conversation with your loved one about their needs and how you can help to meet them can be helpful to make them feel supported and make sure they are taking care of themselves appropriately. 

7. Honor your needs. Helping a loved one deal with grief may trigger feelings about your own past experiences. It is kind of you to support your loved one as best you can, but it can be counter productive if you have your own grief to deal with. Point being that it is okay to take a step back if you do not feel comfortable. Your health is important, too.  

8. Consider counseling. Talking with a professional therapist or joining a support group can help them safely move through the grieving process. Let your loved ones know that help is available if they seem open to the idea.

9. Adjust your expectations. On the other hand, death is a natural part of life. Research suggests that most families reach some level of acceptance within about 6 months. Be patient with your loved ones and their unique needs.

The simple truth is that grief is hard. Managing grief is hard. Understanding grief is hard. Being there for someone that you love while they grieve is hard. Be kind to yourself while trying to provide social support and remember that you can not take away their pain, but you can definitely help them work through it.  At the end of the day, just do what feels right for you. Whenever you’re ready, I’d love to walk alongside you in this process — schedule a free session with me whenever is most convenient for you.

Supporting You (and your relationships),