How To Effectively Communicate With Your Partner
We’ve all been in conversations at one time or another with someone who seemingly refuses to listen or reacts in such a way that leaves us feeling frustrated and unheard. It’s important to remember that it takes two people to have an effective conversation. Each person needs to be willing to do their part to communicate effectively and to make sure their partner feels heard and validated. It’s also important to remember that we have no control over how our partner choses to communicate with us. We do, however, have control over how we chose to engage with them, which can directly impact how they engage with us.
Below are some tips to help you have more effective dialogue with your partner.
Stick to one subject and be direct.
Address what is upsetting you in the present without bringing up all the other mistakes your partner made last month—or last year. If you are upset that your partner forgot to pick you up from work this afternoon, it isn’t fair or relevant to tell them that they also upset you because they didn’t remember to call the pediatrician last month or feed the dog this morning. If the bigger issue is that you feel that you aren’t being heard, then say so. Be direct and clear about what you are upset about.
Set aside time for difficult conversations
If you have something to discuss and you anticipate that it will elicit strong feelings or conflict, don’t hit your partner with it the moment they walk in the door from work. Read your partner to determine if now is a good time for your partner to engage in this conversation. Admittedly, sometimes no time seems like a good time and some partners go to great lengths to avoid all conversations. If necessary, set aside a mutually agreed upon time to discuss important matters or difficult conversations. If the kids are running amok and you’re scrambling to get dinner on the table, don’t expect your partner to be in a good space to discuss the argument you had earlier or what they did wrong last night.
Speaking of what they did wrong
Be mindful of how you approach complaints. Framing them in terms of what your partner did wrong is a good way to start an argument or create tension. Using “I” messages, allows your partner to hear you without feeling defensive. Saying “I feel unimportant when you don’t kiss me when you come home” lands much softer than “You never kiss me when you come home!”. People are more apt to pay attention to what you are saying when you tell them how it makes you feel rather than what you think they are doing wrong. It’s important to note that “I” messages must focus on feeling words. “I feel that you are being a jerk” is not an example of a healthy “I” statement.
No name calling
Ever. Period. Focus on the problem not the person. If the issue is lying, you can certainly address the dishonesty by calling out the lie. But calling your partner a “liar” is not going to constructively contribute to the conversation and will only serve to shame, anger, escalate, or shut down your partner.
No yelling
That’s pretty straightforward. People stop listening when they are being yelled at. Your message is lost and the unspoken message is, “I don’t respect you enough to speak to you calmly”.
No stonewalling
Some people turn inwards or retreat when they are angry, sad, frustrated, or feeling distant from their partner, while others like to talk things out ad nauseam. It’s normal to have different ways of coping with conflict but deliberately ignoring your partner, or stonewalling, is a hurtful tactic that speaks more to power and control than effective communication. If you need a break from your partner, communicate that directly, but don’t deliberately shut them out.
Take a break
Yes! It’s okay to take a break or call a “time out”. If your discussion becomes too emotionally charged to implement the other strategies, feel free to ask your partner to continue to discuss it at a later date. It’s actually a good idea to do so as the heightened emotional arousal will not lead to a productive conversation. The caveat, however, is that you must first identify when you will resume the discussion. “After dinner tonight” or “in 15 minutes after I calm down” is appropriate. “Later” or “at another time” is not concrete and is a good way to avoid addressing it (which is the desired outcome for some). Take time to calm yourself by going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or meditating.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s a good starting point to help you and your partner take steps towards more effective conversations and conflict resolution. Be kind to one another!
Cheering You On,
Amy
Amy Fort
p.s. Want to work with me? Grab your calendar (and your partners) and lets schedule your free session.
