My Partner And I Can’t Agree On Covid Restrictions

It is no secret that life in a pandemic has brought about numerous challenges. So much of our lives have changed in ways that we could not have predicted prior to 2020. Almost overnight, we were thrust into a life where we were having to quickly figure out how to work from home and were mandated to wear a mask if we left the safety of our home. We learned early into the pandemic how to Instacart our groceries (and how to wipe them down!), how to cope with job loss, how to attend school from our living rooms, and how to stay connected to loved ones via Zoom. With businesses shuttered and fear of coronavirus at the forefront of everyone’s mind, our entire society was forced to shift to a proverbial “new normal”.

But then restrictions began to lift. We started to see some cities remove mask mandates and reopen businesses. Bars were again allowed to serve customers in limited capacity and gyms were welcoming patrons eager to get back into their fitness routines. After weeks--or months--in quarantine, many people were eager to regain some semblance of normalcy in their daily lives. People missed their weekly happy hour with friends or simply craved the human interaction they were missing at home alone.  As many people jumped back into their pre-COVID routines, many others were reluctant to let their guard down amid growing numbers of cases and deaths from COVID. 

Enter, the greatest unintentional sociological experiment in modern day society--how will people (families, couples) navigate through this tenuous period with such divergent beliefs and opinions about how they “should” proceed in our new world? Social media is overflowing with debates, impassioned pleas, and snarky comments from people on both sides. There is a continuum of beliefs about what activities are safe and responsible, with some people holding hard lines about either remaining quarantined or about living their lives irrespective of the virus. Along that long continuum lies many others who have more nuanced views of what is safe and what is not. While some may feel comfortable sitting across from friends at a restaurant without a mask, their friends may not wish to join them unless at an outdoor venue masked and distanced. These are common scenarios we are learning to navigate with such varying beliefs and degrees of comfort with COVID risks.

But what happens if you and your partner don’t agree? Telling a friend you don’t feel safe joining them for coffee until you are both vaccinated or until there is evidence of decreased virus spread is likely to go over smoother than telling your husband you don’t want them to see their friends until the same safety measures are in place. How do you feel safe in your own home when your partner insists on engaging in behaviors that you fear will put you and your family at risk? And what does it do to your relationship when your partner believes you are being ridiculous for not wanting to see family and friends. Throw in divergent parenting decisions about what you will allow for your children, and you find yourself navigating both a pandemic and a troubled relationship. Sadly, this has been the reality for many couples.

So how do you navigate these difficult situations? Some in the field recommend erring on the side of caution, meaning, differ to the partner with the greater concern for safety. If we think about our basic needs as humans, our need to feel safe far outweighs our need for a pedicure or a beer with friends. That said, there are other ways to approach this crossroads with your partner as discussed below.

To start, do some soul searching on the viability of your relationship.

If this is a new relationship, is this pandemic simply unmasking more fundamental discrepancies in your values? Take this time to learn about the person you are dating and whether their values align with yours. You may start to recognize that despite that he makes you laugh and you have fun together, you don’t share the same world views or fundamental belief systems. Give consideration to how that could potentially play out with future conflict. Similarly, how you work through this could be a good indication of how you, as a couple, work through conflict, in general. Is your partner willing to compromise? To validate your feelings and concerns? 

Be mindful of how you talk about decision making.

Are you feeling so strongly about safety concerns that you raise your voice or shut down your partner when expressing their feelings? Strong feelings are elicited when some aspect of our being is threatened. If you feel that your autonomy and independence are being threatened by your partner who insists that you stay home, or they feel that their safety is being threatened by your social outings, it is ripe for unhealthy communication dynamics to emerge.

To that end, pay attention to how you communicate with your partner.

Take the time to ask and really listen to your partner’s feelings about their point of view. Just as you want to be heard and understood, so does your partner. Sometimes we are so focused on trying to prove that we are “right” that we miss the point entirely. Express curiosity about your partner’s feelings and what is at the root of them.  If your partner is adamant about the family not going out in public, perhaps they are feeling anxious about losing loved ones to this virus. Perhaps they suffered loss in their lives that brings up feelings unfamiliar to you. Or maybe your partner doesn’t want to wear a mask and distance because it feels like a threat to their autonomy and independent decision making, as with people in prior controlling relationships or with overbearing parents.

Work towards a middle ground.

Identify ways to compromise to meet each of your needs. Solutions don’t have to be all-or-nothing. As with most things in life, look for balance. Are you willing to let your partner meet up with friends if they agree to do so only outside, masked, and socially distanced? Are you willing to let your partner skip a family get-together that makes them uncomfortable, rather than suggesting they are being unreasonable for not wanting to go. Compassion, empathy, and respect for your partner’s feelings will help you navigate compromise more effectively.

Acknowledge that this is a difficult situation for each of you. Be kind to one another.

Be Well,