Help For Your Heartbreak: Understanding Grief
WHAT IS GRIEF?
Grief encompasses the range of what is typically seen as “unpleasant,” negative or “bad” emotions that occur after a loss. Grief is most associated with death, but many other types of loss can result in differing levels of grief (think the loss of a pet, a friendship breakup, breaking up with a romantic partner, not getting accepted into the college you want or getting the job promotion you were vying for). It can be a strong and overwhelming emotion. You can feel numb and separated from your daily life. It can feel all consuming.
Everyone can understand this natural reaction to great loss, yet the experience is also uniquely personal. No one else can fully understand how you feel and how the loss has affected you. Grief is intimately personal and a unique journey to you and your situation.
These sad events are some of the types of loss that can cause grief:
✓ Death of a loved one
✓ Death of a pet
✓ Unemployment
✓ Divorce or breakup
✓ Miscarriage
✓ Serious illness or disability
✓ Friendship break up
✓ Not getting the promotion or job you were hoping for
✓ The loss of the kind of parents you had hoped to have as an adult
The process of grieving can’t be completely controlled. The process can take months, or even years, to pass. In some ways, it is a life long process as each new chapter or season of life comes we are faced with the grieving process in a new and unique way. Fortunately, though, the pain or acute sadness and grief tends to lessen over time as your life adapts to your new circumstances.
Loss and grief are inevitable. It’s part of life to suffer loss from time to time. Grief can occur at any age. Regardless of age, grief is an emotionally painful part of life. While it is certainly an aspect to the human experience to feel both sadness and joy, it is helpful to understand it at a macro level to know how to walk through it yourself and perhaps a friend or loved one.
UNDERSTANDING PRIMARY AND SECONDARY LOSSES
Loss and life can be like a row of dominos. You spend years arranging your life, using your time, money, and other resources. After many years, your life can seem nearly perfect. But even the most stable of situations can unravel quickly. It just takes 1 phone call. to change the trajectory of your life.
A significant loss can be similar to knocking over a single domino. A chain reaction can occur that results in many other losses.
A loss of a spouse leads to a loss of income. This can lead to the loss of your home, automobile, college tuition funds for your children, and emotional support. One loss can quickly lead to additional losses.
In this instance, the loss of a spouse is a primary loss. The additional losses are referred to as secondary losses. Life and disability insurance are an attempt to limit the extent of secondary losses.
A few secondary losses can make it feel like you’re losing everything and add to your grief from your primary loss.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”
THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF
The most popular model of the grieving process is the Kubler-Ross model. This model consists of a series of emotional stages that are experienced after the death of a loved one. Not all grievers experience the same emotions, and the order of the stages can vary. Understanding the stages can be a comfort. You’ll know what to expect for yourself or a loved one. It is helpful to normalize our pain and grief as it is already a lonely experience — it is helpful to know that everything you experience is within the range of “normal.” Grief is a common experience for humans but it isn’t something that feels normal or right.
The stages of grief:
1. Shock and denial. This is the first stage of grief. It’s considered a survival response. Rather than feeling miserable, it’s common to feel numb and confused.
✓ Denial is a way of holding the most challenging emotions at arm’s length and dealing with them at a manageable pace.
✓ There’s only so much a person can take. Denial is one way of softening the blow while you deal with the initial loss.
2. Anger. It’s common to feel anger toward God, the universe, your lost loved one, or anyone else in your life. Anger has no limits. It is also a secondary emotion, one that rides shot gun to pain, fear or hurt. When we are experiencing anger, it is the prickly emotion that usually keeps people away. We don’t necessarily consciously want to push people away but in our pain and hurt, it is a very common response. It is perfectly OKAY to experience anger, it is what you do with it that matters.
✓ It’s easy to feel anger toward everyone, including the person that skipped the funeral or the woman that failed to hold the door open for you at the bagel shop.
3. Bargaining. After it becomes obvious that anger isn’t going to return your life to its original state, it’s natural to begin bargaining, pleading in order to get the person or the thing back that you have lost.
✓ It’s common to make deals with God or even directly with your pain. “What if” statements are also a tool during the bargaining process.
✓ Feelings of guilt are very common during the bargaining stage.
4. Depression. This is the stage when grief starts to hit home. You start to feel empty and notice the loss on a day-to-day level. This stage can feel as if it will never end. Depression felt during the grieving process is typically not a form of mental illness. It is a normal and necessary by product to grief, pain and hurt.
✓ Feelings of grief are greatest at this stage.
5. Acceptance. Acceptance is not the same as feeling like your old self. Acceptance consists of the full awareness that you’ve suffered a loss and your loved one will never return and really integrating this reality into your life and how you will live.
✓ Your life is in the present. It’s possible to build new relationships and connections in the future.
These stages aren’t universally accepted by all counseling professionals, but the Kubler-Ross model of grief is the most respected. Take note of the stages as you track your grieving process. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You’ve never been here before so it is all new and overwhelming. That is okay, you don’t have to do this alone.
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”
FACTS ABOUT GRIEF
Gaining additional knowledge about grief can help to smooth the process. Having reasonable expectations is important.
The grieving process is complex:
1. The only path out of grief travels right through the middle of it. Since grief is painful, the obvious response is to avoid it at all costs.
✓ But grief can’t be avoided permanently. It will wait for you until you’re ready to face it. Until that time, you’re not fully living. You’re squashing the unhappy or scary feelings down hoping it will go away. It never will. It will just end up playing whack a mole in your life.
2. Overcoming grief is work. Successfully managing grief is more than biding your time until it passes. Grief is hard, both physically and psychologically. There’s a reason why you feel exhausted after a significant loss.
✓ Be good to yourself. Physically, that means eat, sleep, and exercise. Emotionally, be kind and patient with yourself.
3. Grieving is a normal process. Feeling upset and crying are normal. How odd would it be if you felt nothing when you lost someone close to you?
✓ Just because grief is normal doesn’t mean it’s easy. Grief is a challenging, but normal, response to a loss.
4. Grief can take longer than some expect. It’s easy for an outsider to look at a situation and determine that it should take a certain number of weeks or months to heal. But it can be a long process.
✓ The first few months can be especially challenging.
✓ Depending on the type of loss, the first round of holidays can also be hard. The first Christmas, birthday, or Thanksgiving can be difficult times.
✓ No one else can determine how long your grief will require before healing takes place. It takes however long it takes.
5. Grief can’t be predicted. While there is an accepted outline for the grieving process, there are just as many variables. For no particular reason, one day may be much more difficult than another may.
✓ It’s possible for one person to develop clinical depression or anxiety while another avoids these conditions.
✓ You might believe you’ve moved beyond your grief, only to have it come rushing back.
6. It’s a vacillating process. Grief is different from the flu. The negative feelings associated with the flu build and then gradually dissipate. Grief can come and go throughout your lifetime.
✓ The initial shock of grief can mask the physical and emotional pain. Your grief might be greater after several months than it was at the time of the loss.
✓ When grief returns after a period of reprieve, it can be frustrating. But over time, grief will return with less frequency and intensity.
7. It’s not possible to heal from grief alone. Withdrawing from others after a loss is a natural response. While grief is a very personal process, keeping it to yourself is a mistake.
✓ Other people often follow suit. They believe the best course of action is to leave you alone. In many cases, others don’t know what to say or how to help.
✓ This is one reason professional help can be so valuable. You might not have another effective option for communicating about your grief.
✓ There are many support groups led by experts in the grieving process. You’ll also have the opportunity to meet others that are having the same experience.
Knowing these facts about grief, you’re in a better position now to deal with your grief, or to help others deal with their challenges. The grieving process takes time and can’t be predicted 100%. Be patient with yourself and others.
“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.”
13 WAYS TO LESSEN GRIEF
While it can take time to get over the negative feelings of grief, there are things you can do to make the time pass more easily. Be assertive and do what you can to manage your grief. No list of tips will take your grief away, but the process can be made easier.
Soothe your grief with these tips:
1. Find other grievers. Grief is such a universal process and emotion. It’s easy to find others facing the same obstacles. Find a local support group. Often hospitals, churches or local therapists will run grief groups. .
✓ If you’re a private person, consider joining an online forum. You can easily remain anonymous and share more freely especially during COVID-19.
2. Write a letter to your lost loved one. You probably left a few things unsaid. We all do. Now is the chance
to say what needs to be said. Write a letter to the person you lost. It can be incredibly powerful to create a ritual or a routine. Often, I have lit a candle, written a letter through tears and then when I am finished I will blow the candle out to symbolize the end of that space. This is what is often referred to as a “container,” by starting and ending my time with a candle, it is helpful to place that space in my mind and body and helps me to separate it from other parts of my life. Creating a ritual around the birthday, special holidays, events, or the day they passed can be really helpful and freeing.
3. Avoid the use of drugs, alcohol, food, and sex to numb your pain. Creating another challenge on top of the one you’re already facing doesn’t make a lot of sense. Avoid creating further difficulties for yourself.
✓ The last thing you need now is to gain 50 pounds or develop a drug addiction. Deal with your grief in the context of community.
4. Make your health a priority. It’s not unusual for someone in the grief process to ignore their basic hygiene, eat poorly, stay up late, avoid exercise, and so on.
✓ Grief is easier to manage if you’re at your physical best. Take care of yourself and see a physician when necessary. Emotions have energy so to move in any way is helpful so that you don’t feel stuck.
5. Resume your normal life. Returning to your normal routine will keep your mind busy and show you that parts of your life are still intact.
✓ Take the time you need, but get back to work. Return to church. Get back to playing softball on Thursday nights. Your poker buddies are waiting for you.
Volunteer. Providing assistance and relief to others can help you to deal with your own grief. It also demonstrates to you that you’re valuable to the world. There are people that need your help.
Be patient. Avoid getting frustrated with yourself and others. Your friends mean well when they tell you to “snap out of it.” Let them know that you need time.
✓ Similarly, be gentle with yourself. It can take years to feel like your old self. Celebrate each day and enjoy the little victories. Small steps are significant if you take enough of them.
8. Talk with your friends and family about the loss. Talking about your loss can be beneficial. There’s no reason to keep your pain to yourself. Reach out to others and let them help you. Where we are most hurt and wounded in relationships, that is where we will also be healed. Grief is a community event, you weren’t made to do it alone.
9. Indulge in your hobbies. Hobbies are optional activities that we enjoy. We only do them because we enjoy them! Why not spend some time on something you enjoy?
✓ Even if you don’t feel like it, make yourself take part in the hobbies that you’ve enjoyed in the past.
10. Find a new hobby. Now might be the perfect time to show yourself that your life can change in a positive way, even without your loved one present. You have interests that you’ve never indulged in. Now is a great time to try one.
11. Travel. Getting out of town can renew your perspective of the world. You’ll notice that other people are living their lives. Getting out of your normal routine can be helpful and provide a little relief.
12. Exert yourself physically. When you’re stressed or sad, a little exercise can provide huge benefits. You don’t have to go for a run. Grab a rake and deal with the leaves. If it’s springtime, consider planting a garden.
✓ The more complex the activity, the less time you’ll spend focusing on your loss and misery.
✓ Your natural tendency during periods of loss is to sit at home and brood. Get out of the house and move your body.
13. Turn to your religion or seek out a new one. You can find comfort in turning to your church leader and congregation during this time.
✓ Maybe you’re ready for a change. There are different spiritual viewpoints. Investigate a few.
The grieving process can be long and slow. However, there are ways to make the journey a little easier. Apply these tips to your situation and note the effect. You might be surprised by which are the most helpful. Keep going.
“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”
WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP
Everyone is different. Some of us run faster than others do. Some of us can juggle three balls. Some of us can deal with grief effectively in the absence of professional help, while others need more assistance.
Consider seeking professional help if you experience any of these signs:
Neglecting your personal hygiene. This is a common sign in both grieving and various types of mental illness. It’s easy to forget, or to convince yourself that it doesn’t matter. This is often the first sign that more help may be needed.
An inability to enjoy your life. It’s common to be unhappy for a while, but enjoyable activities should become enjoyable again. If you’re unable to find any enjoyable activities after grieving for a few months, consider contacting a professional.
Any thoughts of harming yourself in any way. You’re important. You don’t deserve to be harmed in
any way by anyone, including yourself. It’s critical to seek help if you’re feeling this way.
4. Substance abuse. Why add an additional burden to your life? This is a sign you’re moving backwards.
5. Any negative thoughts and feelings that don’t lessen over time. After the initial grieving period, it’s normal for your outlook on life to slowly improve. If your emotions are stuck, find help.
Keep your eyes open for these signs. If someone else in your life is grieving, keep an eye on them. It’s not easy for someone to recognize that they need help. You might give this list to a friend and ask them to watch for these signs as you deal with your grief. Again, it is important to allow your most trusted friends or family members in to walk with you through this grieving process. Schedule a free session with one of our counselors in St. Petersburg, FL.
“Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn’t serve anyone, and it’s painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, then you’re magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people, so they can experience something of that person.”
HOW TO HELP OTHERS IN GRIEF
Grief is a universal experience. Sooner or later, a friend or loved one will face a grief situation. It’s not easy to know how to proceed. Should you leave them alone or be a constant presence?
What should you say and do? It’s not an easy question to answer. It’s especially difficult if you’ve never dealt with grief yourself.
It can be uncomfortable to reach out to someone in need, but your support is critical. It’s okay if you don’t have the perfect words at hand. Provide your support in a helpful manner and be understanding.
There are many ways to help others dealing with grief:
1. Keep the lines of communication open. Those that are grieving will approach you on their own schedule. Some prefer to be alone for a while and would prefer to talk down the road. Others prefer to have a conversation right away.
✓ Let the other person know you’re available, but avoid being pushy or intrusive.
2. Focus on being a good listener. There’s not much you can say to help, but you can provide relief by listening.
3. Offer assistance. Arranging a funeral and contacting the necessary people is a true burden. Offer to help with the phone calls and arrangements.
4. Send a note. It’s easier to read a note than to have a conversation. In fact, it’s easier on both of you. Avoid sending a sympathy card without a note. It can come across as too casual and impersonal.
5. Help raise money. Funerals can be expensive. Setting up a fund to deal with the expenses can be helpful.
6. Help them to find the support they need. A grief counselor or support group has the expertise that you lack. There’s nothing wrong with getting expert assistance. Find a few options and gently present them.
7. Make a meal. Those that are grieving often forget to eat. When they do eat, they often don’t eat well. Make a healthy meal and take it to them.
8. Help with other daily tasks. Laundry, shopping, car maintenance, driving the kids to soccer practice, and mowing the lawn can provide a lot of help and relief. Consider all the things you have to do each day for yourself.
9. Get them out of the house. Eventually, life must go on. Some people can become stuck in their grieving state. Encourage them to go out for dinner or a walk in the park. They’ll feel better and see that the world is still turning.
10. Speak carefully. Consider what you’d like to hear if you were in a similar situation. Most experts agree that saying things to minimize the loss is a mistake. This would include statements such as:
✓ “At least he’s in a better place.”
✓ “You’re young. You can always find someone else.”
✓ “You can always have more children.”
✓ “She was old. She lived a long and happy life.”
Anything that starts with “at least” is going to drive disconnection as it is a form of sympathy. To be empathic will require you to connect to a similar type of emotion in order to “feel” alongside the person who is grieving. To say “I don’t know what to say but I am here” is perhaps the greatest gift to give to your friend or loved one who is hurting.
11. Keep in mind that the first year will be especially difficult. Stay in contact and continue offering support.
12. Remind them that others love them. It’s easy to feel alone during times of grief. A little reminder can be reassuring.
Seeing someone you love in pain is challenging. While you cannot remove that pain, you can help. It’s difficult to walk that fine line between being helpful and being a burden. Go slowly, but do what you can. Your love and assistance will never be forgotten.
“Tears are the silent language of grief.”
CONCLUSION
Death or other loss results in grief. Grieving is one of life’s most challenging experiences. Those in grief often feel alone, depressed, and angry. It’s common to feel guilt, too. The emotions are unpleasant and intense. We aren’t faced with such strong emotions on a regular basis, which makes dealing with them particularly challenging.
Time may not completely heal all wounds, but it does lesson the sting.
Remember that life is short. We all have a limited time on Earth. Grieve, but remember to honor the death of a loved one by living your life to the fullest.
If someone you know is experiencing grief, be there for them. Help them with life’s day-to-day chores and strive to be a good listener. You might be limited to offering your condolences. Allow the griever to determine the pace.
Most importantly, seek out professional help for yourself or others if necessary. One tragedy is enough. You can schedule a free first session with one of Sunshine City Counseling’s counselor’s today!
“I couldn’t have foreseen all the good things that have followed my mother’s death. The renewed energy, the surprising sweetness of grief. The tenderness I feel for strangers on walkers. The deeper love I have for my siblings and friends. The desire to play the mandolin. The gift of a visitation.”
Cheering You On,
