Developing Your Emotional Regulation Skills (resiliency: part 2)
There isn't very much that we have direct control over in our lives. For example, we cannot control other people, the weather, or the traffic. Though it may seem difficult, we can control our reactions to the many things we have no control over.
If you feel like you have no control over your reactions and emotions, this part of the series is for you. There are specific things you can begin doing that will improve your ability to mindfully walk through your feelings in a productive way.
Having the ability to regulate emotions means responding to all levels of emotional situations in a way that helps you rather than hurts you. The development of this skill will lead to more resilience by providing a way to feel emotions without letting them control your behavior.
The inability to regulate emotions leads to insecure relationships and shame because without the ability to understand, experience, and express emotions, the core emotions are never addressed. Instead, secondary emotions like anger work their way to the surface and may lead to actions that prompt further shame, blame, and guilt. Working on emotion regulation will help you identify emotions and react to situations in a reasonable way. It will help you address what is causing your suffering without engulfing you in negativity.
Re-frame the Situation
There are a number of things you can do to strengthen your ability to regulate your emotions. A great way to begin this practice is by implementing a concept called “cognitive reappraisal” or reframing. This involves changing your perspective on a negative situation into a positive one.
It's easy to assume that the worst thing possible is going to happen. We tell ourselves stories about the semantics of emails, the odd looks we get, and what the future holds for us. It's easy to wonder when the other shoe will drop.
This habit creates unnecessary suffering and frequently leads to further negative emotions rather than good ones. It's impossible to mind-read and we cannot tell the future. By attempting to do so, more frustration comes and it's difficult to handle. Instead, look at the situation objectively to consider other scenarios.
For example, imagine you're having dinner with your family, and someone gives you a look that seems frustrated or annoyed. Immediately, your mind may start racing to the possible things that could be wrong. You play through everything you’ve ever said or done that could have caused this person to look at you that way.
If you allow your thoughts to proceed in this way, you'll noticed heightened negative emotions and a poor attitude. Thoughts begin to flood, and your behavior may be influenced.
Instead of assuming anything about what might have caused this situation, you can pause to take a step back and re-reframe your perspective.
Rather than having the thought, “They are mad at me,” you could re-frame that idea and consider the thought, “They might be having an off night, or maybe they’re worried about something that happened at work today.” By thinking of these things differently, you'll feel your anxiety lessen and your emotions will not turn into something too powerful to keep track of.
When you find that you're feeling strong emotions, you don't have to push them down and tell them not to exist.
Allow Negative Emotions
It's important to understand that all emotions are valid. If you tell yourself that there are emotions you're not allowed to feel, those emotions won’t go away. Instead, they will eventually make their way into the ways you speak to yourself, behave, and regulate emotions in the future. As Carl Jung would tell us, what we resist persists.
If you can practice accepting your emotions, you'll notice that it's easier to feel them. Acceptance doesn't mean that you have to be pleased with your emotions. It doesn't mean that you have to be at peace with the current situation. Accepting your emotions simply means that you're acknowledging the truth of what you feel.
Rather than trying to push down your emotions, it helps if you can label them instead. When you can label what you're feeling as an emotion, you can say to yourself, “Right now I am feeling anger,” and you'll notice a new spaciousness begin to form where the emotion doesn't have quite as much power over you.
It isn’t always easy to acknowledge your emotions and do nothing in reaction to them. One way to develop this skill further is by practicing mindfulness skills.
Mindfulness encourages non-judgmental awareness and will help you sit with your feelings rather than react to them.
Practice these mindfulness skills for emotion regulation:
Observe your breathing
Set a timer for three minutes and simply become aware of your breathing. You don't need to breathe in a certain way or force yourself to think of anything in particular. The point is simply to notice what is. When your mind wanders (which it absolutely will), just go back to noticing your breath.
Spend ten minutes coloring
Whether or not you consider yourself creative, coloring in a coloring book is a great way to focus in on one thing instead of getting swallowed up in emotions.
Play an instrument
Whether you want to learn an instrument, or you already play one, sitting down to create music is a great way to practice mindfulness. It's also helpful to write songs that can help you process your emotions in creative ways.
Getting outside is a path to mindfulness when you do it with intention
Walk outside with the intention to simply notice. Observe your surroundings and name the things you see, hear, or smell.
Visualize your emotions floating by like clouds, or like leaves on a slow stream
Close your eyes and imagine a beautiful bank above a gently flowing stream. Next, imagine fallen leaves floating slowly by. Place one of your emotions on a leaf and watch that emotion peacefully float onward.
Mindfulness helps to tether us to the present moment. These skills build resilience, and they enhance your quality of life. Doing these things daily helps strengthen your brain function and reminds you of good coping skills in the future.
Increase Positive Emotions
Whether you're in a time of distress or a time of peacefulness, it's important to have positive experiences. Sometimes we get lost in the hustle and bustle of life and we forget to have fun on purpose. By doing things to have a good time, you're setting yourself up for success in the future.
Having positive memories helps give hope when times are difficult
If you’re struggling, try doing something you’ve previously enjoyed. Give yourself permission to have a nice time, even if things feel like they’re falling apart around you.
You can increase positive emotions by doing things that you enjoy. You can watch your favorite stand-up comedian, go on a hike in the woods, or enjoy a cooking class. If you can’t think of anything you like, start by going on a walk or taking a shower and being mindful while doing so.
Practicing gratitude brings about positivity, even when it's hard to stay positive.
Make a gratitude list each day and see what happens. You don't have to come up with grand things to be grateful for. Just notice the small, good things. If you like the pen you write with, be grateful for that pen. If you're having a bad day and can’t think of anything, practice being grateful for the air you breathe, or your pet, or your favorite meal.
You can change your current outlook by balancing your negative thoughts with some positive thoughts.
For example, if you're thinking, “I will never understand this,” you can replace that thought with, “I am excited to keep learning.” This offers a shift in perspective that will help with tolerating emotional distress.
Knowing how to regulate your emotions is a powerful tool for resilience. This skill offers the ability to sit with emotions and move on from them without making impulsive decisions.
When you're going through a stressful period of life, it can feel like everything is out of control. However, you can control your actions and reactions. We’ll talk more about controlling your actions in the next installment of this series…keep reading!
